Announcer “The following transcript is being presented by this station in honor of Deafen Your Neighbors Week. Last week we had the pleasure of presenting Dr. Herman Horne the noted acoustics scientist in the first of three lectures on Home Theatre. Last week we had an opportunity to enjoy such wonderful Home Theatre demonstrations as the mating call of the Aardvark, and the steadiness of projected image when the projector mount is vibrating at its resonance frequency in the presence of a 135db sound field. Goodness knows what fascinating experience is in store for us tonight. And here he is, that man about digital bits, Dr. Herman Horne.”
[Dr. Herman Horne walks on stage]
Bob “Home Theatre. Just what does it all mean? We are fortunate to have with us the eminent engineer and scientist, Dr. Herman Horne. Who will demonstrate for us the meaning of the words: Home Theatre.”
Dr. Herman Horne “Thank you.”
Bob “The words Home Theatre have become a part of our daily vocabulary. Still many people do not completely understand. And so it is to them that this lecture is dedicated. As Edison was to the electric lamp, as Einstein was to the e=mc2, as Beavis is to Butt-head, so is Dr. Herman Horne to ”
[applause]
Dr “Yes, thank you. You can be quiet now. By way of simple explanation to the layman -- which is a polite way of describing the imbecilic lame brained lunkheaded ignoramic mental defectives that I see every day – Home Theatre brings out everything that is on the DVD. Little subtle things like piano overtones, harp vibrations, film camera clicks, dolly wheel moves, camera flare, film impurities, director chair squeaks, editing mistakes. All the things you couldn’t see and hear before and amplifies them with magnificent clarity. Yes. Home Theatre is the most fundamental of human needs and no home can be without it. In spite of what your wife says ignore it. Ignore it! All women are troublemakers who would like to take the money their husbands need desperately for a new and better speaker, and selfishly squander it on things like: shoes for the children, homogenized milk, or perhaps a second dress. They can sit there and watch their husbands suffer with equipment which has been obsolete for at least a week, and deny him the new theatre playback system he needs soooo badly. Shameful shameful Mrs. America!
Dr “Now just a word about the care of Home Theatre DVDs. You’ve heard the expression ‘cleanliness is next to Home Theatre’ ? Well all right. When you get home from the store wash the hands with surgical soap, before removing the DVD from the plastic case. Ah rubber gloves and facemask are optional. Next approach the machine on tippy toe, you shouldn’t raise no dust. To show you how good a sterile DVD sounds, my assistant Strudelmyer is going to play a dust free, surgically clean DVD that has never been touched by human hands. After he gets through with it, it still ain’t been touched by human hands. Ha ha ha ha ha. From the edges handle it only Strude.”
[sounds of spinning and clicking]
Dr “Strudelmyer ! It works better if you put the DVD in correct side up. That’s a little better.”
[Fantastic demo disk plays in theatre, Gregorian Chant with Benedictine Monks]
Dr “That’ll be enough Strudelmyer”
[sound of DVD ejecting, and the plastic tray that holds the DVD snapping off when leaned on.]
Dr “Well, you did it that time Strudelmyer. You know ladies and gentlemen under the Home Theatre oath section 22 paragraph 18 Strudelmyer must be destroyed at once. GET A BIG FIRE UNDER THAT OIL Strudelmyer, I WANT IT BOILING!”
Announcer “Unfortunately we will not be able to continue with Dr. Horne’s speech, due to the fact that he seems to be cooking something on the stove. But he will be back next week with more fascinating information on the subject of Home Theatre.”
Bob “Now for the third lecture by Dr. Herman Horne on the subject of Home Theatre which as you know is the reproduction of video and sound in digitally clear fidelity.”
Dr “They know that you lunkhead.”
Bob “Last time we presented with one of Dr. Horne’s personal reference DVDs featuring a magnificent Gregorian Chant by Benedictine Monks. The morning mist rising outside of the stone Monastery in the forest, and the sound of the chants of these devout men worshipping their creator. It calmed my spirit and gave such a soothing peace it was almost a religious experience, which of course it is intended to be. A marvelous beauty of sensation. I swear I could almost feel the mist on my face.”
Dr “Of course you could. My theaters all have mist dispensers.”
Bob “The close of the lecture was unfortunate. The good professor’s assistant Strudelmyer damaged some equipment.”
Dr “Unforgivable”
Bob “Of course under the Home Theatre oath he was supposed to be boiled in screen masker lubricating oil at once.”
Dr “But I’m a good natured fellow, so I told him I would wait until after tonight’s lecture. Now the first thing I’d like to ”
Bob “Pardon me Dr.”
Dr “Who are you?”
Bob “I’m your interviewer. I’ve been kicking around the idea of a little custom installation myself.”
Dr “There’s no such thing as a little custom installation. “
Bob “Well I only meant”
Dr “Get it through your head.”
Bob “Well I”
Dr “Be quiet! Be Quiet. Any real enthusiast will of course buy my Stereochromic Orthopedic Cinema Guanarama 5000 Home Theatre System, but I’m aware that many of the people out there are on a budget and prefer off the shelf components. So as a convenience to your listeners let me say that here is the equipment you must have at a minimum. Must Must Must. Thirteen 2000 watt HALCRO mono-block amplifiers, a Mark Levinson No. 40 surround processor, Lake Contour EQ, Genesis 1.1’s as 8 surround speakers connected with Ultama model LC-604U speaker wire, four stacked JVC DLA-HD2k projectors with anamorphic lenses, Stewart Ultramatte(TM) 150 screen material, a Meridian Reference 800 DVD player, and a Teranex Video Computer Scaler, and a Fortress with Odyssey Motion Simulator. The theater itself must be encased in fully decoupled twenty seven feet thick walls floor and ceiling of missile silo grade concrete mounted on 4’ diameter Ianosmorph springs and Syolomer dampers in a vacuum shell, with inside dimensions of 17’ tall by 37.91 feet wide by 51.85 feet wide. These measurements must be made precisely, down to the micrometer. Interior acoustical treatment must be measured and changed every day due to changes in air pollutants, humidity of the concrete walls, temperature imbalances due to changing cosmic radiation, the list goes on and on. The concrete wall humidity is an alarming problem in our field. It can take as much as several decades for even the most modest home theatre wall to properly dry.”
Bob “What about the main speakers?”
Dr “The whole house becomes a speaker. You move into the garage.”
Bob “I think we’d better forget it.”
DR “The entire house becomes a giant speaker. Now it’s settled.”
Bob “No. No.”
Dr “Now it’s settled!”
Bob “No. Besides my wife doesn’t like loud movies.”
Dr “I would expect that from a wife. We’ve got a special demonstration for people like your wife to prove that Home Theatre can be soft. [clears throat] Soft and misty, as the teardrops in a mother’s eye, as toward the chair her wayward son is slowly led. Nick Kenny, Mira Syndicate 1945. The old ones are the best”
Bob “Dr, I don’t see any doors in your photographs.”
Dr “What are you, some kind of terrorist? There are no doors.”
Bob “But how can I watch the movie?”
Dr “Closed circuit television and microphone from the primary listening position. You can verify the quality of sound and picture from the comfort of your garage without actually degrading either with your bodily emissions and absorption. Ah, there’s Strudelmyer now with the demonstration. Ok Strudelmyer, roll in the crate gently. Gently now. There we are.”
Bob “Oh oh oh, pardon me. Is that fur on those wheels?”
Dr “Naturally. There’s nothing softer than a mink wheel. If you hear about something I’d like to hear about it. Ok Strudelmyer. Inside the crate in a nest of peach fuzz and eider up – that’s twice as soft as eiderdown ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – rests a 2000 year old Ming dynasty porcelain temple bell. Traditionally it is struck with the soft fuzzy cotton tail of a ming rabbit. Only a properly acoustically treated Home Theatre could bring you the delicate highs of this sound. Ok Strude, let’s hear it. NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
[smash, ding]
Dr “Meathead! I said just with the tail, not with the whole lousy rabbit! Shape up Strudelmyer, you can be replaced by Quasimodo. Which reminds me, before we come to the end of my lecture I’ll show you the difference between highs and lows. You have just heard the high vibrations when our friend here smashed the temple bell, for which he will be fed to the octopi at Marine Land right after the show. Now for the low vibrations. Here we have an excellent reference DVD called Black Hawk Down which in the Chopper Launch at 0:35:19 has energy down to 5hz. It’s only five seconds long, and I’ve ripped that part onto my test DVD. We’ll play that at 145db.”
Bob “Let’s just forget about my buying a Home Theatre.”
Dr “Be Quiet. Be Quiet. Think of the joyous pride you will feel as you and your loved ones sit through an evening, shivering in your garage, listening to your house. Think of the wonderful types of scenes you can play on your Home Theatre. The subtle sound for example, the fifteen second chapter 38 on my reference DVD of Godzilla removing bits of helicopter blade from his teeth. Or the flag waving section from the AVIA test disk. There are hundreds of test DVDs on the market, not to mention all the calibration equipment approved by SMPTE and CEDIA. If we had time he could…”
Bob “But what about movies. Can I watch movies on my system?”
Dr “What for? It’s only good for checking to see if you have modes and flutter. Or if you can still hear the DVD rumble, or DVI interference sparkle, or improper convergence, or screen moire or rainbow, or to compare brightness and colour between ScreenResearch and DaLite and Draper and Stewart and Carada at angles from 0 degrees to 75 degrees off axis. That’s all it’s for. Nothing else.”
Bob “Yes I understand.”
Dr “Only purpose. However if you persist on being plebian, let me show you how energetic movies can be on a real Home Theatre system. “
Bob “That won’t be necessary.”
Dr “Yes it will. First I play an average DVD played through a cheap $250,000 Home Theatre system. See if you don’t see how pathetic the movie is.”
[tin bad elevator music, washed out image]
Dr “Terrible. Now the very same DVD played through my Stereochromic Orthopedic Cinema Guanarama 5000 Home Theatre System!”
Bob “Dr I really don’t think the building can withstand the vibrations.”
Dr “Stand Back! Ready! Contact !”
[sounds of dynamos spinning up. Huge electrical contacts throwing sparks as the system hums up to life and quickly settles down. Music/Action/Explosions!]
Dr “Now, if you aren’t chicken, turn up your volume knobs all the way !”
[More music, loud explosions, excited car chase. Then,
intermixed with that, the sounds of the building collapsing, huge chunks of concrete
hitting the floor and equipment, hundreds of people running and yelling, then
silence for five seconds, and then the sole sound of a tiny bit of glass
hitting the floor.]
Dr [perhaps mortally wounded, gasping, broken limbs, works his way out from under a large chunk of fallen building and with one eye looks around] “Look at all the room for an upgrade!”
Sponsor “Tonight only, this special demonstrator Home Theatre only $9.98”
Note to readers, many thanks should be given to Stan Freeberg who originally created the Dr. Herman Horne character to talk about Hi Fi on his radio show in 1957.